Things are looking up. I had written a post on feeling homesick a few months ago, and for a while now, I've been meaning to write an update. As far as the homesickness goes, things are getting better. In fact, I don't feel even the slightest twinge at the moment. Of course, I miss people - lots of people - but I wouldn't say I feel homesick.
I've been sick for the last couple of weeks (but feeling much better now), and my computer was away, getting fixed, or so I thought. (Long story, I'll spare the details). So, what did I do? How, oh how, did I fill the void in my life that was the absence of my laptop?! Well, I read a lot of books. Without the temptation or distraction of a machine (aka the internet), I found myself nesting quite comfortably in my tiny, old, paper-thin-walled apartment, kickin' it by myself, and reading. Oh, I listened to my hand-held battery-operated radio too. I also wrote - I mean really wrote - with a pen and paper (gasp!) - something I haven't done in god knows how long. It was nice.
Looking to get more involved here in Seoul (and in the present moment of my life,) I responded to a job ad I found online. It was placed by a start-up website much like Yelp (where people can write reviews on restaurants, places, services, etc). They were looking for review writers. I got the job. So I've been writing reviews for this website based in Seoul. I don't get paid much (about ten bucks an article) but I get the opportunity to go to some places I wouldn't normally, get some practice writing, and, most importantly, get published on the web. You can see some of my reviews (click on the 'culture' section) here: http://seoulreviewer.com/ So far, I've reviewed Gyeongbokgung Palace (the biggest royal palace in Seoul), Deoksugung palace (a not-so-big royal palace in Seoul), Insadong (a traditionally and super cute shopping/eating/gallery area in Seoul), the War Memorial of Korea, and, my favorite, the Seodaemun Prison History Hall. 5 reviews in 3 weeks: not bad at all, I say.
In my attempt to push my writing to the next level (meaning, getting paid to do it), this is a very good step. I feel quite lucky and very fortunate to have found this opportunity. It's good progress and I feel very good about moving forward. I mean, who doesn't enjoy progress? There's much, MUCH more I must do, however, if I want to advance to the point where I'm earning a living by writing. But, like so much else, accomplishing something is simply making up your mind to do it and then taking the necessary steps forward to attain it. So that's what I'm trying to do with the writing.
Professional progress is one thing, personal progress is another. And, because I am who I am, I like making both types. I also like and need to reflect on the progress I've made, or conversely in some instances, note my lack of progress. This reflection (in my opinion) is good for everyone to do! Personally, it helps me in my overall growth as a human being. It's pretty basic knowledge, but looking back and thinking about where I was, what I went through, and where I am now, has helped me see the things I have accomplished. And who doesn't enjoy a nice sense of accomplishment?
So, this year, I've realized something very important about myself. I always knew how good it felt to complete a goal or check off an "item on the list," so to speak. But I guess it didn't actually dawn on me what this really means. In other words, I knew how it felt to accomplish something, but never thought about why it felt good. I never gave the phenomena a name. Again, pretty basic knowledge here, but, put simply, I feel good when I set a goal and complete it. I know there are many, many people who operate this way. They are motivated and they are driven to complete tasks. Be it a 10k run, building a gazebo in the backyard, or going back to school, accomplishment feels good. And so, my reflection and mantra for today and for this year in Korea is simple: to remember how good it feels to set a goal for yourself and then to do it.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Blast from the Past
(Note - I found a comment from a reader who told me she wanted to comment on this post, but I had taken it down. So I went back and found it and read it and reposted it. It is two years old. But it's a nice look back.)
So I'm back, mainly because I said I'd come back. I said the writing was pouring out of me. Well, it really felt like it was - and then I got kinda caught up. You know who you are. ;)
You know how that goes: You meet someone, there's this instant amazing attraction, a connection, that forms out of thin air... and then you both turn into opposite magnets. And you *sschulurrp* together and are now one entity. You know that's how it goes.
So, two months later, here we are, I'm looking back, and it's been great so far. Two, stupidly amazing months. I fell in love. Pause... And I just blogged about it.
Back to the writing thing, though. I'm trying to keep pushing it, keep it consistent. But the tricky thing about being a consistent writer/blogger is in order to have material to write about, one must be inspired. And I'm not by ANY means trying to say that my love isn't inspiring, (because he is) and that my love doesn't inspire me, (because he does) but to be engulfed in pretty constant bliss for prolonged amount of times doesn't really amount to inspiration for blogging about. You dig?
Beyond the suddenly formed relationship is continued talks of the recurring desire to teach abroad, and the newfound emotion of unsettledness as I struggle with the question "what now?" I thought of moving to San Francisco, I thought of moving to Las Angeles, I thought of moving to Thailand. I thought of moving to Taiwan. And I had trouble spelling all of them along the way! :P
But all in all, everything is alright. Happy and healthy. Roadtrip to beautiful Ukiah coming up in a couple of days for a wedding - there's something to blog about right there - and the following week: Burning Man. For the first time ever. With my inspiration. Holy shit, I guess it's time to hold on.
So I'm back, mainly because I said I'd come back. I said the writing was pouring out of me. Well, it really felt like it was - and then I got kinda caught up. You know who you are. ;)
You know how that goes: You meet someone, there's this instant amazing attraction, a connection, that forms out of thin air... and then you both turn into opposite magnets. And you *sschulurrp* together and are now one entity. You know that's how it goes.
So, two months later, here we are, I'm looking back, and it's been great so far. Two, stupidly amazing months. I fell in love. Pause... And I just blogged about it.
Back to the writing thing, though. I'm trying to keep pushing it, keep it consistent. But the tricky thing about being a consistent writer/blogger is in order to have material to write about, one must be inspired. And I'm not by ANY means trying to say that my love isn't inspiring, (because he is) and that my love doesn't inspire me, (because he does) but to be engulfed in pretty constant bliss for prolonged amount of times doesn't really amount to inspiration for blogging about. You dig?
Beyond the suddenly formed relationship is continued talks of the recurring desire to teach abroad, and the newfound emotion of unsettledness as I struggle with the question "what now?" I thought of moving to San Francisco, I thought of moving to Las Angeles, I thought of moving to Thailand. I thought of moving to Taiwan. And I had trouble spelling all of them along the way! :P
But all in all, everything is alright. Happy and healthy. Roadtrip to beautiful Ukiah coming up in a couple of days for a wedding - there's something to blog about right there - and the following week: Burning Man. For the first time ever. With my inspiration. Holy shit, I guess it's time to hold on.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Living the Expat Dream, or, Fighting that Homesick Feeling
Being an expat is hard. Man, is it hard. There once was a time when I thought I wanted to stay away from my home forever, living the expat life, because it was so... different from living at home. Being an expat was glamorous, in a way. In the 'Poor but Sexy' kind of way. Even the word EXPAT.... it just sounds frickin' cool. I mean, what isn't awesome about travelling around? Living in one country for a 6 months or a year, meeting new people, experiencing the culture, learning some history, getting a new perspective on the world, and then moving on to the next spot? Expanding horizons and all that jazz. It sounds like a golden life! But there's just one problem - (ok, maybe there are a few - money, for one) - a problem I seem to have forgotten about. It's the not returning home part that pushes that thorn farther up into my side, makes me feel like I'm suffocating sometimes. What the f*#% was I thinking!?!? I obviously forgot how it felt to be away. Because I'm feeling it now - I'm feeling it hard. And it doesn't feel good.
And I know why it's different here, in Seoul - different from Berlin, I mean. It all boils down, once again, to human connection. To put it bluntly, I have a lack of human connection here in Seoul. I spend 8 hours a day, five days a week, in a place where maybe five percent of the people here are capable or willing to talk to me. Either they don't speak English, they don't speak English well, or they speak some English but are too shy/afraid/embarrassed to speak to me.
In my office, there are six of us. Out of that six, two are capable of having a conversation in English. Of those two, only one really talks to me. She is one of my co-teachers. The other four in the office will say a friendly "hello" and "goodbye" (sometimes in English, sometimes in Korean), once a day. Although my co-teacher is a very sweet woman, she and I couldn't be more different from each other.
I am lucky - she is much more progressive (so I've gathered) from other Korean women her age; more open-minded, really. But there are many differences between us. She is almost 40 and still lives at home. Taking care of her family (fitting the stereotype of the ever-serving, doting Asian daughter), and being an English teacher seem to make up most of her life. That is her experience as a human. Mine is completely different. Although I love my parents to death, I've been able to successfully separate my life from theirs - something I did at a relatively young age. A healthy thing to do, in my opinion.
At work, in front of my colleagues, it's as though I wear a mask (smile included, always, as it's very important to appear always happy here). But none of my co-workers really know me at all. Not the way my friends back home do.
I made some life-long friends when I was in Berlin. Much to the thanks of the Couchsurfing community in Berlin (one of the largest CS communities in the world), I connected with many amazing people and had some amazing adventures there. Whether it was mashing around the streets of Berlin on a wobbly bicycle, munching on a doner kebab at Kottbusser Tor in Kreuzberg, or hanging out in Mauer Park on a blanket in the sun on a Sunday with some snacks, a smoke, and some beer, I constantly had my friends around me. That is the difference I have gathered so far. And that is what makes my experience here so different.
As I said in my last post, I am struggling with remaining present here in Seoul. Which is funny, as many years ago I had adapted a personal mantra that fit my life and what I wanted to do with my life. "Be here now" was that mantra. I have been pretty good so far with sticking with it, but I've found that I am now out of practice. I have five more months here in Korea, and I don't want to spend those months lamenting about the past, dreaming about the future, and being unhappy in the present. I know what I need to do - I need to interject more of me into the present - that means getting involved, getting out, meeting more people, seeing the friends I have already made here, and participating in my present life. So far, I am failing. But I know there is still time to pass the test, and hell, it's graded on a curve, anyway.
And I know why it's different here, in Seoul - different from Berlin, I mean. It all boils down, once again, to human connection. To put it bluntly, I have a lack of human connection here in Seoul. I spend 8 hours a day, five days a week, in a place where maybe five percent of the people here are capable or willing to talk to me. Either they don't speak English, they don't speak English well, or they speak some English but are too shy/afraid/embarrassed to speak to me.
In my office, there are six of us. Out of that six, two are capable of having a conversation in English. Of those two, only one really talks to me. She is one of my co-teachers. The other four in the office will say a friendly "hello" and "goodbye" (sometimes in English, sometimes in Korean), once a day. Although my co-teacher is a very sweet woman, she and I couldn't be more different from each other.
I am lucky - she is much more progressive (so I've gathered) from other Korean women her age; more open-minded, really. But there are many differences between us. She is almost 40 and still lives at home. Taking care of her family (fitting the stereotype of the ever-serving, doting Asian daughter), and being an English teacher seem to make up most of her life. That is her experience as a human. Mine is completely different. Although I love my parents to death, I've been able to successfully separate my life from theirs - something I did at a relatively young age. A healthy thing to do, in my opinion.
At work, in front of my colleagues, it's as though I wear a mask (smile included, always, as it's very important to appear always happy here). But none of my co-workers really know me at all. Not the way my friends back home do.
I made some life-long friends when I was in Berlin. Much to the thanks of the Couchsurfing community in Berlin (one of the largest CS communities in the world), I connected with many amazing people and had some amazing adventures there. Whether it was mashing around the streets of Berlin on a wobbly bicycle, munching on a doner kebab at Kottbusser Tor in Kreuzberg, or hanging out in Mauer Park on a blanket in the sun on a Sunday with some snacks, a smoke, and some beer, I constantly had my friends around me. That is the difference I have gathered so far. And that is what makes my experience here so different.
As I said in my last post, I am struggling with remaining present here in Seoul. Which is funny, as many years ago I had adapted a personal mantra that fit my life and what I wanted to do with my life. "Be here now" was that mantra. I have been pretty good so far with sticking with it, but I've found that I am now out of practice. I have five more months here in Korea, and I don't want to spend those months lamenting about the past, dreaming about the future, and being unhappy in the present. I know what I need to do - I need to interject more of me into the present - that means getting involved, getting out, meeting more people, seeing the friends I have already made here, and participating in my present life. So far, I am failing. But I know there is still time to pass the test, and hell, it's graded on a curve, anyway.
Thursday, September 05, 2013
Friday September 6th 2013 3:05 pm
Note - I do a lot of writing. It's just not on my blog. My writing is usually in the form of emails to friends. After I got finished writing one to a friend this afternoon, I figured I should just start posting some of my letters here instead of avoiding this blog completely. That way, at least then you can read about what I've been up to and how I've been, and when I come back to revisit my blog later down the road, I, too, can be reminded of my time here.
As you will see from the email at the bottom of this entry, I am still in Seoul - it's been a little over 6 months since I arrived. I think I've officially reached a bit of a rut. You will see in my letter below that everything is fine, but.... One of the conclusions I've come to, one of the things I tell people about Seoul, if I'm really trying to sum it up in a nutshell, is this: Seoul is not Berlin. It's not California either. I miss both places and the friends I made in those places tremendously.
I did start that other blog, Jessicaisinkorea.wordpress.com , but that never really went very far. Truth be told, I'm so fond of THIS blog, you know? THIS blog is the one I started... man... 7 years ago... I think I may just continue writing on THIS blog, even though I'm in Seoul and not in Berlin, and even though I don't do nearly as much cool shit here as I did in Berlin, I'm still here, and I should still try to record it.
So, dear readers, I present my Letter to Jason.
As you will see from the email at the bottom of this entry, I am still in Seoul - it's been a little over 6 months since I arrived. I think I've officially reached a bit of a rut. You will see in my letter below that everything is fine, but.... One of the conclusions I've come to, one of the things I tell people about Seoul, if I'm really trying to sum it up in a nutshell, is this: Seoul is not Berlin. It's not California either. I miss both places and the friends I made in those places tremendously.
I did start that other blog, Jessicaisinkorea.wordpress.com , but that never really went very far. Truth be told, I'm so fond of THIS blog, you know? THIS blog is the one I started... man... 7 years ago... I think I may just continue writing on THIS blog, even though I'm in Seoul and not in Berlin, and even though I don't do nearly as much cool shit here as I did in Berlin, I'm still here, and I should still try to record it.
So, dear readers, I present my Letter to Jason.
So to answer one of your original questions (and thank you for asking ) my parents are still doing well. Still getting on and still getting older. My father's absentmindedness is becoming worse. Since I'm not living with them and only talk to them once a week I'm not there to witness the extent but I have a feeling it may be getting a lil bad. I'm not sure there's much I can do to help and therefore I try not to feel guilty for not being around. But I do look forward to returning home in early March to see them and spend some quality time with them before I leave again. My mom and I are talking about taking a road trip to Minnesota when I come home. That is where her family is from. At this point I am skeptical as to the level of seriousness of this plan. What I mean is, I am serious about it, I'm not sure if my mom is though. I honestly doubt it will happen although I think it'd be great if it did.
As far as another one of your questions - you asked if I was enjoying it here and how I was doing. I am ... um... trying to make the most of it here. I do enjoy it and I'm glad I came and tried teaching. I do enjoy teaching and the job is by far the EASIEST job I have ever had, especially for the money I am making. Sometimes I feel it's quite ridiculous. One of my co-workers is napping at her desk right now, if that gives you an indication of the work style here. Naps are very common and usually in the afternoon, from 1-4:20, I have nothing to do. I don't nap but I make sure my lessons are planned and then end up on the internet.
I thought Seoul would be cooler to be honest. I thought I might find a more underground scene here. Maybe it's because I haven't really networked enough but maybe because an underground doesn't exist. I know a lot of people love Seoul, but it really is a drinker's city. Although I love my IPAs, I'm really not a big drinker. Especially a drinker of watery, weak Korean beer. Or soju. Not into that either. This year could end up just being a nice, relaxing year. So far it seems I haven't managed to stay very present as I spend a lot of time thinking about next year.
I will just say that I will be very very happy to return home when I do, for a number of reasons.
My friend Annika from Finland and I are planning on being back in Berlin next spring/summer. I guess it's been decided, as long as my parents give me the blessing to go, and as long as it feels right. And then back home for Burning Man, where, I, as you, want to do more to contribute. That's going to take some thought... and probably some creative stimuli from Berlin.
The future is still bright and I'm god damn thankful to have the amazing options that I do.
miss ya, really hope to see you next year.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Moving blogs -- again
Hello everyone. I've been absolutely horrible at writing lately, I am so sorry. :( I created a new blog as you can see in the previous post, but I decided to move from blogger to wordpress as I didn''t want my Berlin blog and my Korea blog to be associated. My time in Berlin was so special and different (and risque at times) -- much unlike my time will be in Korea. Well, my time in Korea WILL be special, I'm sure, but I guess I just don't want anyone in Korea to find out what I did in Berlin. What I'm trying to say is I'm starting over fresh in Korea and just didn't want the two blogs connected. So I would LOVE it if you followed me at http://jessicainkorea.wordpress.com/
I promise to write more. :) Thanks for reading.
Friday, October 19, 2012
For William
Wow, blog, it's been FOR-ever!!
Strange. I hardly think of you anymore. To tell the truth, I've been avoiding you. I sit here and stare at you and bite my lower lip and grimace. What's making it so difficult for me to return here? And more importantly, why have a felt such little desire over the last year and a half to write anything?
Like I said, strange. But it's not new. I avoid this blog a lot. I avoid writing too, even though I love doing it and it's a very cathartic. thing for me. I think it's that you put so much of your self into these things...these blogs, these electronic diaries for everyone to see -- it's not even so much the time or energy but for me it's the exposure. The . Although I know that you don't know me and I don't know you (this is not necessarily an entirely true assumption) that it's One thing I know, I came back to revisit the past a little -- It's been a long time since I sat down and read any of my past entries. It's
I think about quitting my blog a bit more than seldom these days. In fact, I think I had convinced myself it was done. .
I think about creating a new one and I think about re-starting the old one.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Leap Year, 2012
It's leap year, 2012. We call it "Leap Year" but really it's just another day. The sun still rises and sets, people still wake up and go to work, or study, or fight, or love. And yet it only happens once every 4 years. It's uniqueness makes it special, it's rarity makes it valuable. It was a double birthday for a beautiful pair of 74 year old ladies who came into my restaurant today and sat down at table number 18.
Table 18 is the one right next to the service station, 5 feet from the bus bins, spitting distance from the computer terminal that all the servers use to print out checks and run credit cards, and 2 yards away from opening that separates the floor of the restaurant from the kitchen. It is, by far, the loudest, most chaotic, obnoxious location in the whole entire restaurant. And yet these lovely ladies had no complaints.
In fact, it was their birthday - February 29th, and they were "both 37," one of them said with a laugh. The one who spoke turned out to be the talkative one. She was clever, and full of such a youthful lightness - it resonated throughout, especially in her eyes. Her eyes laughed when she spoke. They were clear.
They had known each other since they were 9, bonded as leap year babies in elementary school. And here, 65 years later, one was taking the other out for a shared birthday lunch of corn chowder and ciabatta bread.
The extroverted one asked if I had seen the movie "The Artist" and then told me I could have been the leading lady. Another older woman in my section told me she "liked watching me interact with the other tables" and I think I received 2 compliments on my service.
All in all, despite all the positive energy and compliments I got from my tables, and the money I took home in the end, it was a strange day. There was a chaos in the air - I had 4 somewhat large spills in my section - which is unusual. And one troll of a man who shook things up a little in a negative way earlier on. I was able to brush him off eventually, but the sweet ladies on table 18 really made my day, and to them I say thank you. I suppose I should also acknowledge that they give me a 6 dollar tip on $13.
You know, Leap Year only happens once every four years, and Leap Year in the year 2012 only happens ONCE, and for that I am glad.
Table 18 is the one right next to the service station, 5 feet from the bus bins, spitting distance from the computer terminal that all the servers use to print out checks and run credit cards, and 2 yards away from opening that separates the floor of the restaurant from the kitchen. It is, by far, the loudest, most chaotic, obnoxious location in the whole entire restaurant. And yet these lovely ladies had no complaints.
In fact, it was their birthday - February 29th, and they were "both 37," one of them said with a laugh. The one who spoke turned out to be the talkative one. She was clever, and full of such a youthful lightness - it resonated throughout, especially in her eyes. Her eyes laughed when she spoke. They were clear.
They had known each other since they were 9, bonded as leap year babies in elementary school. And here, 65 years later, one was taking the other out for a shared birthday lunch of corn chowder and ciabatta bread.
The extroverted one asked if I had seen the movie "The Artist" and then told me I could have been the leading lady. Another older woman in my section told me she "liked watching me interact with the other tables" and I think I received 2 compliments on my service.
All in all, despite all the positive energy and compliments I got from my tables, and the money I took home in the end, it was a strange day. There was a chaos in the air - I had 4 somewhat large spills in my section - which is unusual. And one troll of a man who shook things up a little in a negative way earlier on. I was able to brush him off eventually, but the sweet ladies on table 18 really made my day, and to them I say thank you. I suppose I should also acknowledge that they give me a 6 dollar tip on $13.
You know, Leap Year only happens once every four years, and Leap Year in the year 2012 only happens ONCE, and for that I am glad.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, November 21, 2011
the human condition
The human condition is an enigma. Being human is certainly strange, but being a woman is surely just as strange. It's weird how female hormones can have such an effect on a woman's emotional state. I say this because I'm saddened, since last night and into the next afternoon (and it hasn't left me yet) and with that sadness comes a sense of feeling sorry for myself. There's a tiny voice that is trying to get through, "get over it" the voice says, "there is other sadness in the world that is far greater than yours." It's true; there's a lot of messed up shit in the world. Wars, uprisings, torture, peaceful protesters getting pepper spray to the face (and as horrendous as it seems, this is mild in comparison). So who am I to feel upset for myself?
Before I started in with my monologue (it's short, don't worry), I just wanted to first try to step outside of my situation and recognize something other than myself. A plea, a gesture, to the rest of the world, to those out there who are saddened by something too. My sadness might be small in the grand scale of sadness, and fleeting too, but it is just as valid. These things happening around the world, happening to people both similar and dissimilar to me, should be acknowledged first.
But now it's my turn. Call it crazy, and believe me I realize it pretty much is, I am sad for a future that hasn't been invented yet. I am sad for the possibility that my life will flash by in a blink of an eye and that I will look back with a furrowed brow and a clouded gaze. With regret over making the wrong choices -- choices that really matter, like choosing a partner or choosing the wrong one, like having (or not having) children. Will I choose to be brave? In the end will I be proud? I realize the only way to know is to stay in the game long enough to find out. Preferably with the minimal amount of sadness possible.
Before I started in with my monologue (it's short, don't worry), I just wanted to first try to step outside of my situation and recognize something other than myself. A plea, a gesture, to the rest of the world, to those out there who are saddened by something too. My sadness might be small in the grand scale of sadness, and fleeting too, but it is just as valid. These things happening around the world, happening to people both similar and dissimilar to me, should be acknowledged first.
But now it's my turn. Call it crazy, and believe me I realize it pretty much is, I am sad for a future that hasn't been invented yet. I am sad for the possibility that my life will flash by in a blink of an eye and that I will look back with a furrowed brow and a clouded gaze. With regret over making the wrong choices -- choices that really matter, like choosing a partner or choosing the wrong one, like having (or not having) children. Will I choose to be brave? In the end will I be proud? I realize the only way to know is to stay in the game long enough to find out. Preferably with the minimal amount of sadness possible.
Friday, November 11, 2011
personal rambles
well blogger, i'm back and it's been quite a while. this entry, though, I don't feel like sharing. Well, sharing in a sense, with myself, I guess if that's logical at all. I thought writing couldn't hurt. So
Monday, October 17, 2011
#OccupySelf
The Occupy Wall Street movement has grown by leaps and bounds and gathered social and media momentum since it began exactly a month ago. Now that thirty days have gone by, and this one protest has multiplied into 1500 protests in 82 countries (on October 15th), the word is spreading. Our world operates on a broken system. when 1% of the population profits and continues to profits as they enslave and weaken the other 99%.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
August 22, 2011
so here i am worrying about him. Worrying. Look at what I'm doing. One am in the morning and I'm looking up anxiety disorders online, for him. When is this acceptable in a new relationship? When is it understandable? I tell him I love him, and I know I am in love with him. But I think I need to take a step back from this. I think tomorrow would be a good time to take a day to myself, after spending SO much time with him. Too much time. Every night together for, what - a month? So we spend the night apart, and I get to write, to get it out, to myself, if you can believe it. So, good. Distracted by reality. Tiffiny's foster brother making a rukus in the living room. And I just realized this stupid program doesn't have spell check; ah well that's a challenge!! But I digress.
Time. Time with Mark. Is amazing. Two months in, of course it's amazing. But what's really going on? It's getting really intense, and now this issue's come up.
How many seconds, minutes, hours, nights, days, have we spent together so far? So many. It's all been great. And he is great. So I'll try to keep some balance, by taking the day off tomorrow - and maybe wednesday as well. I'll just tell him tomorrow morning; If I still feel this way, I'll just change plans tomorrow morning and I'm sure it won't make a difference. What do I even have to take care of? Here I go, taking a moment to think about things. Well, here's the list:
1) set up autopayments into Parent's account
2) research Mutual fund @ Vanguard
3) excercise
4) research TEFL abroad
it's a full life. Now don't you go getting all worried about anything, you found an amazing guy. You just need to take a personal day.
Time. Time with Mark. Is amazing. Two months in, of course it's amazing. But what's really going on? It's getting really intense, and now this issue's come up.
How many seconds, minutes, hours, nights, days, have we spent together so far? So many. It's all been great. And he is great. So I'll try to keep some balance, by taking the day off tomorrow - and maybe wednesday as well. I'll just tell him tomorrow morning; If I still feel this way, I'll just change plans tomorrow morning and I'm sure it won't make a difference. What do I even have to take care of? Here I go, taking a moment to think about things. Well, here's the list:
1) set up autopayments into Parent's account
2) research Mutual fund @ Vanguard
3) excercise
4) research TEFL abroad
it's a full life. Now don't you go getting all worried about anything, you found an amazing guy. You just need to take a personal day.
Friday, July 01, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday June 28th
It's June 28th and it's a tuesday. It's 3:04 pm in the afternoon and this is the way I will start my post, for lack of anything better to say. Not in a negative way. In a clear way. Like, a clear-minded, clear-headed, no crap to get in the way of really feeling something kind of way. I feel fresh and uncluttered. Unlike the sky.
In my kitchen the windows are wide open and outside there is a blanket of clouds draped over the sky; they are gray, and bright. The clouds are leaking copious amounts of water as I write, and every so often they open up with a streak of light stabbing through and then a booming roar. The sky is angry today. And sad.
But I have a smile on my face, a happy purple orchid to my left, low-fi minimal electro-ish stuff on the stereo, and some delicious strawberries my mother gave me in a bowl on the table.
This is my practice writing session. This is to force myself to write, write about nothing, write about a tiny block of time in my day where I'm all alone and it feels like freedom. This is when I know I should just write something, anything, for the sake of doing it. The day and the rain feel like magic. I smell verbena. The smile stays.
I love these huge old trees outside my window. This must be the best kitchen at town right now.
It's 3:12 and I work at six. It took me eight minutes to get here from when I started and I have almost three hours until I work. That's enough time to get into some trouble. Or take a nap. Options are a beautiful thing, aren't they?
In my kitchen the windows are wide open and outside there is a blanket of clouds draped over the sky; they are gray, and bright. The clouds are leaking copious amounts of water as I write, and every so often they open up with a streak of light stabbing through and then a booming roar. The sky is angry today. And sad.
But I have a smile on my face, a happy purple orchid to my left, low-fi minimal electro-ish stuff on the stereo, and some delicious strawberries my mother gave me in a bowl on the table.
This is my practice writing session. This is to force myself to write, write about nothing, write about a tiny block of time in my day where I'm all alone and it feels like freedom. This is when I know I should just write something, anything, for the sake of doing it. The day and the rain feel like magic. I smell verbena. The smile stays.
I love these huge old trees outside my window. This must be the best kitchen at town right now.
It's 3:12 and I work at six. It took me eight minutes to get here from when I started and I have almost three hours until I work. That's enough time to get into some trouble. Or take a nap. Options are a beautiful thing, aren't they?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Cover letter for Editor Position at Living Social
Remember when I said I wanted to write again? Well I think it's starting to happen. I don't want to say it's pouring out of me... but there's a leak. There's definitely a leak. And it's getting bigger.
I wrote a cover letter today for a position in San Francisco with the Website Living Social. It's basically a website that offers a bunch of awesome deals on a bunch of awesome things, and I want to write for them. Over the next couple of days I plan on applying; you need a cover letter, a resume, and a couple writing "tests." Here is my cover letter, tell me what you think:
Dear folks at Living Social,
Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
Whoa, sorry about that! There’s that darn enthusiasm again; it gets the best of me, every time. In all actuality, and to the surprise of those around me, I often have trouble containing it. I bet you might have had a similar thought. In fact, I bet you’re asking yourself right now, “was that really her lead sentence?? Did those words actually just tumble out of her head, bounce off of her keyboard and hop into this document? Is this cover letter for real???" It's for real, alright, you better believe it. And if you don’t mind, I think I’ll back up a second, take a deep breath, and start over.
Ahem.
To whom it may concern,
While perusing the Living Social website for daily deals on some delicious grub, bitchin’ summer swag and affordable salon services (my psuedo 80’s asymmetrical Flock of Seagulls haircut is quickly growing into an unsightly mess and desperately needs a mow), I noticed that there is currently an opening for an Assistant Editor in the San Francisco branch. Please don’t think of it as an overdramatic understatement when I whisper in your ear how much I want this opportunity to write for your website.
Much like a goldfish stuck in a tiny bowl, I can assure you that I have grown beyond the confines of this quaint little city I lovingly like to refer to as the ‘mento. I’m ready to break out and explore bigger ponds, swim with the big guys. I want to live in San Francisco and write for an awesome website that is chock full of amazing deals. Bargain hunting runs in my marrow; whether it’s sifting through old LPs in the Mission’s Thrift Town, scouring the Berkeley flea market for vintage Laurel Burch earrings for my mother, or rummaging through the dumpsters behind Sacramento’s Wonder Bread factory, I am a scavenger. Much like Living Social, I am always looking for the next deal, and much like Living Social, I am always telling all my friends about it.
I would be honored to be like you, living and loving and bargain hunting (and bargain catching) and writing about such sweet deals in San Francisco. I want to learn how to master the art of driving a stick shift on a 70 degree incline. I want to wear big baggy woolen sweaters all year long, have a picnic in Golden Gate park, watch the sun drop into the western sky, just below the golden gate bridge at China Beach. I want it all and I am ready.
I hope you are ready for me as well.
Thank you for humoring me and especially for your time.
Sincerely,
Jessica xxxxxx
Writer at heart, waitress by night, nomad by choice, human above everything else.
I wrote a cover letter today for a position in San Francisco with the Website Living Social. It's basically a website that offers a bunch of awesome deals on a bunch of awesome things, and I want to write for them. Over the next couple of days I plan on applying; you need a cover letter, a resume, and a couple writing "tests." Here is my cover letter, tell me what you think:
Dear folks at Living Social,
Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
Whoa, sorry about that! There’s that darn enthusiasm again; it gets the best of me, every time. In all actuality, and to the surprise of those around me, I often have trouble containing it. I bet you might have had a similar thought. In fact, I bet you’re asking yourself right now, “was that really her lead sentence?? Did those words actually just tumble out of her head, bounce off of her keyboard and hop into this document? Is this cover letter for real???" It's for real, alright, you better believe it. And if you don’t mind, I think I’ll back up a second, take a deep breath, and start over.
Ahem.
To whom it may concern,
While perusing the Living Social website for daily deals on some delicious grub, bitchin’ summer swag and affordable salon services (my psuedo 80’s asymmetrical Flock of Seagulls haircut is quickly growing into an unsightly mess and desperately needs a mow), I noticed that there is currently an opening for an Assistant Editor in the San Francisco branch. Please don’t think of it as an overdramatic understatement when I whisper in your ear how much I want this opportunity to write for your website.
Much like a goldfish stuck in a tiny bowl, I can assure you that I have grown beyond the confines of this quaint little city I lovingly like to refer to as the ‘mento. I’m ready to break out and explore bigger ponds, swim with the big guys. I want to live in San Francisco and write for an awesome website that is chock full of amazing deals. Bargain hunting runs in my marrow; whether it’s sifting through old LPs in the Mission’s Thrift Town, scouring the Berkeley flea market for vintage Laurel Burch earrings for my mother, or rummaging through the dumpsters behind Sacramento’s Wonder Bread factory, I am a scavenger. Much like Living Social, I am always looking for the next deal, and much like Living Social, I am always telling all my friends about it.
I would be honored to be like you, living and loving and bargain hunting (and bargain catching) and writing about such sweet deals in San Francisco. I want to learn how to master the art of driving a stick shift on a 70 degree incline. I want to wear big baggy woolen sweaters all year long, have a picnic in Golden Gate park, watch the sun drop into the western sky, just below the golden gate bridge at China Beach. I want it all and I am ready.
I hope you are ready for me as well.
Thank you for humoring me and especially for your time.
Sincerely,
Jessica xxxxxx
Writer at heart, waitress by night, nomad by choice, human above everything else.
hit me and i'll hit you back
"The thing that gets me about relationships is how far down they can go and with such a quickness."
Is what I just wrote for my Facebook status. Should I have gone there? Well, I did. I went there anyway.
I'm going to go outside and ride my bike now.
And I'll probably continue to listen yet another amazing album by Grizzly Bear, Veckatimest. My friend Trevor Caldwell from New York sorta knows some of these guys. Here's a little snippet for you (and it's not even the best track on there):
Is what I just wrote for my Facebook status. Should I have gone there? Well, I did. I went there anyway.
I'm going to go outside and ride my bike now.
And I'll probably continue to listen yet another amazing album by Grizzly Bear, Veckatimest. My friend Trevor Caldwell from New York sorta knows some of these guys. Here's a little snippet for you (and it's not even the best track on there):
life plans
Do you know what a cupie doll is? It's a tiny little plastic cherub doll with a little curly cue strand of hair plopped on the top of it's head; arms stretched out from it's sides as if it's about to give you a tiny plastic hug, fingers fanned, spine long and straight, eyes facing forward, placid.
My ex and I used to hide one, for the other to find, as a game. We would put it in strange places; the fridge, the microwave, on top of the shower doors, nestled amongst the green fronds of a fern. Today I walked outside and saw it on my porch.
I don't know how long it's been since I got of this relationship but I know it hasn't been too long.I know it hasn't been too long but I know it's been long enough to start taking steps forward. Hell, I'm running. I also know that this time I'm not going back. It's like a sad, bad 80s song - one that starts slowing down and getting quieter toward the end, but that ends up turning around when it's almost at a dead stop and bolting. I am looking forward, not looking back, scared to death of what might happen if I stop to turn around. Just imagine it like that nasty clown from Stephen King's It is back there and means business.
We were together in total almost 2 years. 2 more years, gone. That's the reality of the situation, isn't it? I won't say that I didn't learn anything from that time, of course I won't say that. If you were to ask me right now, what did you learn, what would I say? That's important to know. Let's see... I learned that love is not enough, and I learned the sadness of having to give up something you do love because it's failed. We tried really hard, both of us, but there were bigger issues that first needed to be dealt with. I'm ok with that. I just had to draw the line somewhere.
I'm trying to hold my head up high, as I write this. 2 years is a nice big chunk of time. I'm 31. It would be a lie if I said that I'm beginning to wonder, so I'll say I'll continue to wonder, because I have been, wondering, that is. What am I doing with my life?
I know I need to move into a direction, but which one? So, yes, of course I've traveled, I've even lived abroad for a year, ya know? I currently live in the same city I grew up in, albeit, I grew up in a 'burb and I'm now in the heart of midtown. I've lived down here for just about 2 years. I'm afraid the fun is starting to wear out. I work at a restaurant yet I have a Bachelor's Degree. I can tell myself that it doesn't matter what you do as long as you're happy until I'm blue in the face (and don't get me wrong, I still mean it) but maybe I'd be happier, feel more fulfilled, if I was somewhere else, doing something else. Luckily, I have some thoughts on the matter. My two ideas are this (I'm sorry Ines):
1. Teach English in Taiwan or
2. Get an interesting writing job in San Francisco.
Notice how Berlin didn't make the cut? I think I might like to check somewhere else out.
I saw that a website called Living Social is hiring writer's in the San Francisco area. Do you think I could use my blog to show off my writing skills? (cough! cough! hack!) Or maybe I should just get out that old portfolio of those clips and blow off the dust. Either rate, I'm practicing, and it feels good.
My ex and I used to hide one, for the other to find, as a game. We would put it in strange places; the fridge, the microwave, on top of the shower doors, nestled amongst the green fronds of a fern. Today I walked outside and saw it on my porch.
I don't know how long it's been since I got of this relationship but I know it hasn't been too long.I know it hasn't been too long but I know it's been long enough to start taking steps forward. Hell, I'm running. I also know that this time I'm not going back. It's like a sad, bad 80s song - one that starts slowing down and getting quieter toward the end, but that ends up turning around when it's almost at a dead stop and bolting. I am looking forward, not looking back, scared to death of what might happen if I stop to turn around. Just imagine it like that nasty clown from Stephen King's It is back there and means business.
We were together in total almost 2 years. 2 more years, gone. That's the reality of the situation, isn't it? I won't say that I didn't learn anything from that time, of course I won't say that. If you were to ask me right now, what did you learn, what would I say? That's important to know. Let's see... I learned that love is not enough, and I learned the sadness of having to give up something you do love because it's failed. We tried really hard, both of us, but there were bigger issues that first needed to be dealt with. I'm ok with that. I just had to draw the line somewhere.
I'm trying to hold my head up high, as I write this. 2 years is a nice big chunk of time. I'm 31. It would be a lie if I said that I'm beginning to wonder, so I'll say I'll continue to wonder, because I have been, wondering, that is. What am I doing with my life?
I know I need to move into a direction, but which one? So, yes, of course I've traveled, I've even lived abroad for a year, ya know? I currently live in the same city I grew up in, albeit, I grew up in a 'burb and I'm now in the heart of midtown. I've lived down here for just about 2 years. I'm afraid the fun is starting to wear out. I work at a restaurant yet I have a Bachelor's Degree. I can tell myself that it doesn't matter what you do as long as you're happy until I'm blue in the face (and don't get me wrong, I still mean it) but maybe I'd be happier, feel more fulfilled, if I was somewhere else, doing something else. Luckily, I have some thoughts on the matter. My two ideas are this (I'm sorry Ines):
1. Teach English in Taiwan or
2. Get an interesting writing job in San Francisco.
Notice how Berlin didn't make the cut? I think I might like to check somewhere else out.
I saw that a website called Living Social is hiring writer's in the San Francisco area. Do you think I could use my blog to show off my writing skills? (cough! cough! hack!) Or maybe I should just get out that old portfolio of those clips and blow off the dust. Either rate, I'm practicing, and it feels good.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
I want to write again so I'm going to sit down and force myself to do it. I want to write again because I know how cathartic it can be for a person, for me. I want to write again because I get sick of the stagnance that has overtaken my life lately. I want to write again because I miss the feeling of a keyboard under my fingers and the solitude that is my quiet self-made sanctuary. I want to write again because I can feel the desperation swelling and building inside of me as my chest rises and falls and my breaths become deeper and panicked and I want to try and avoid this. I'll write about all the reasons why I want to write but I won't actually do it. Screw it, I suppose this is a start.
It's been a year. It's been over a year. It's been at least a good half a year that I even typed my blog address into the browser. It's been one year two months and 27 days since I last wrote something. Ok, so I wrote shopping lists and short emails and facebook status updates but it's been one year two months and 27 days since I last wrote something. How amazing is that? What the hell happened to me?
I'm warming up a little now. I'm talking now about my non-writing phase - shall we call it a dry spell? It was in ways; it was a creativity dry spell. I'm certain of it. I got good at ignoring the blog. Hell I even got good at blocking it out entirely. I was dealing with other stuff. Relationship stuff, if you must know. Relationship stuff that was assumedly blocking my creative juices. This is really the only conclusion that I can come to. The relationship was like fat and chemical residue buildup crap (or whatever the hell gets stuck in those little tubes) clogging your coronary artery. Pretty soon I needed a bypass. (and stop. pause for 6 minutes).
6 minutes later...
Too much personal stuff grinds my fingers to a halt. Maybe it makes me think too hard, so I sit here and stare at the screen and read and re-read the words and just stop. I just stop and sit here and I'm almost certain it's over. The juices are dry. The motor has stopped. It was very hard to restart. I was very close to saving the entry and turning off the laptop and resuming the movie that I had just started before I switched gears and turned on the computer. But then I think, "I am going to make myself write." And I remind myself that it doesn't have to be about personal stuff, it doesn't have to be about anything, it just needs to be. So I will steer this in a different direction for now and finally relay the thought that kick started this whole entry.
I saw today on Facebook that a friend of mine from high school is going to Seoul, Korea, to teach English. She leaves Sunday. There must come a point in my life where I do this. Not necessarily teach English in Seoul, South Korea, but teach English overseas somewhere. It's been something I've been wanting to do for quite a long time, and I'm sure I've mentioned it here a few times. I first started thinking seriously about going to Korea (that was with an ex), then it was Taiwan (that was with another ex), but the truth is, I don't really care where I go, I just want to go. And I want to go alone. I know I will dig it.
I better get on that though, I'm 31! Where does the time go?
Is there anything that you know you have to do in your life? You're just so certain that you must do it, and you're so sure that if you don't, you will regret it for the rest of your life? Maybe this sounds silly, but where some might say having children or getting married, I say teach English abroad. I think it's that thing that I have to do. Does that sound weird to you? I guess in all actuality, it doesn't really even matter how it sounds to you, does it? Nike was right. Just do it.
It's been a year. It's been over a year. It's been at least a good half a year that I even typed my blog address into the browser. It's been one year two months and 27 days since I last wrote something. Ok, so I wrote shopping lists and short emails and facebook status updates but it's been one year two months and 27 days since I last wrote something. How amazing is that? What the hell happened to me?
I'm warming up a little now. I'm talking now about my non-writing phase - shall we call it a dry spell? It was in ways; it was a creativity dry spell. I'm certain of it. I got good at ignoring the blog. Hell I even got good at blocking it out entirely. I was dealing with other stuff. Relationship stuff, if you must know. Relationship stuff that was assumedly blocking my creative juices. This is really the only conclusion that I can come to. The relationship was like fat and chemical residue buildup crap (or whatever the hell gets stuck in those little tubes) clogging your coronary artery. Pretty soon I needed a bypass. (and stop. pause for 6 minutes).
6 minutes later...
Too much personal stuff grinds my fingers to a halt. Maybe it makes me think too hard, so I sit here and stare at the screen and read and re-read the words and just stop. I just stop and sit here and I'm almost certain it's over. The juices are dry. The motor has stopped. It was very hard to restart. I was very close to saving the entry and turning off the laptop and resuming the movie that I had just started before I switched gears and turned on the computer. But then I think, "I am going to make myself write." And I remind myself that it doesn't have to be about personal stuff, it doesn't have to be about anything, it just needs to be. So I will steer this in a different direction for now and finally relay the thought that kick started this whole entry.
I saw today on Facebook that a friend of mine from high school is going to Seoul, Korea, to teach English. She leaves Sunday. There must come a point in my life where I do this. Not necessarily teach English in Seoul, South Korea, but teach English overseas somewhere. It's been something I've been wanting to do for quite a long time, and I'm sure I've mentioned it here a few times. I first started thinking seriously about going to Korea (that was with an ex), then it was Taiwan (that was with another ex), but the truth is, I don't really care where I go, I just want to go. And I want to go alone. I know I will dig it.
I better get on that though, I'm 31! Where does the time go?
Is there anything that you know you have to do in your life? You're just so certain that you must do it, and you're so sure that if you don't, you will regret it for the rest of your life? Maybe this sounds silly, but where some might say having children or getting married, I say teach English abroad. I think it's that thing that I have to do. Does that sound weird to you? I guess in all actuality, it doesn't really even matter how it sounds to you, does it? Nike was right. Just do it.
Friday, May 07, 2010
May 7, 2010
I need a change, stat. My life isn't working for me right now. I feel stagnant, stuck. My good friend's sudden and spontaneous decision to relocate to Sacramento (she'll be moving in with me) from Santa Cruz, where she's lived for the last 6 or so years, has prompted me to make the change that's necessary in my life. Perhaps not prompted, but pushed. My mind has been going back and forth about my current relationship. What do I do? My heart is still in it, but it's slowly crawling away, pulling back. I love him, but it's not working. It hasn't been working. I know he might read this, chances are, he will someday soon, but I've just got to write, got to get it out. I've got to end it.
My friend from Santa Cruz will be moving in with me. She has her choice of 2 - count 'em - 2 very comfortablevintage sofas in the living room. The gurgle of the fishtank pump will lull her to sleep. The morning sun will wake her up, shining through the wall-sized living room window. It will be cozy. It'll be a house full of single girls. Think positive energy, home-cooked dinners, and parallel menstrual cycles. Our place will smell like lavender or vanilla, perhaps with the faint hint of reefer in the air. That's how we'll roll.
So she'll move away from the place she's called home for the past 6 years, probably more like 7 or 8 really, and I'll do what I need to do in my life to free myself of this feeling of non-progression. It's just like, you can try and try and try and try and try and sometimes you have to admit that maybe it just won't happen, the thing you want to happen. And it breaks your heart. But you just can't go on like this.
We're hiring at the restaurant where I work; she's going to drive to Sacramento on Monday, hopefully in time for an interview. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I guess they already are. I think it would be wonderful to have my friend in town.
I still want to return to Germany one day. That's my goal. Save up enough money, pay down the debt, and go teach English. Hell, I'd even be down to go back with the pub crawl, if they'd have me. Until then, I can feel good about being here, in this city, surrounded by these people. Some of my closest friends are my co-workers. It's ok, where I am, right now. There's just that one thing... Which I promised myself to change. So I'm just going to have to do it.
My friend from Santa Cruz will be moving in with me. She has her choice of 2 - count 'em - 2 very comfortable
So she'll move away from the place she's called home for the past 6 years, probably more like 7 or 8 really, and I'll do what I need to do in my life to free myself of this feeling of non-progression. It's just like, you can try and try and try and try and try and sometimes you have to admit that maybe it just won't happen, the thing you want to happen. And it breaks your heart. But you just can't go on like this.
We're hiring at the restaurant where I work; she's going to drive to Sacramento on Monday, hopefully in time for an interview. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I guess they already are. I think it would be wonderful to have my friend in town.
I still want to return to Germany one day. That's my goal. Save up enough money, pay down the debt, and go teach English. Hell, I'd even be down to go back with the pub crawl, if they'd have me. Until then, I can feel good about being here, in this city, surrounded by these people. Some of my closest friends are my co-workers. It's ok, where I am, right now. There's just that one thing... Which I promised myself to change. So I'm just going to have to do it.
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