Living the Expat Dream, or, Fighting that Homesick Feeling

Being an expat is hard. Man, is it hard. There once was a time when I thought I wanted to stay away from my home forever, living the expat life, because it was so... different from living at home. Being an expat was glamorous, in a way. In the 'Poor but Sexy' kind of way. Even the word EXPAT.... it just sounds frickin' cool. I mean, what isn't awesome about travelling around? Living in one country for a 6 months or a year, meeting new people, experiencing the culture, learning some history, getting a new perspective on the world, and then moving on to the next spot? Expanding horizons and all that jazz. It sounds like a golden life! But there's just one problem - (ok, maybe there are a few - money, for one) - a problem I seem to have forgotten about. It's the not returning home part that pushes that thorn farther up into my side, makes me feel like I'm suffocating sometimes. What the f*#% was I thinking!?!? I obviously forgot how it felt to be away. Because I'm feeling it now - I'm feeling it hard. And it doesn't feel good.

And I know why it's different here, in Seoul - different from Berlin, I mean. It all boils down, once again, to human connection. To put it bluntly, I have a lack of human connection here in Seoul. I spend 8 hours a day, five days a week, in a place where maybe five percent of the people here are capable or willing to talk to me. Either they don't speak English, they don't speak English well, or they speak some English but are too shy/afraid/embarrassed to speak to me.

In my office, there are six of us. Out of that six, two are capable of having a conversation in English. Of those two, only one really talks to me. She is one of my co-teachers. The other four in the office will say a friendly "hello" and "goodbye" (sometimes in English, sometimes in Korean), once a day. Although my co-teacher is a very sweet woman, she and I couldn't be more different from each other.

I am lucky - she is much more progressive (so I've gathered) from other Korean women her age; more  open-minded, really. But there are many differences between us. She is almost 40 and still lives at home. Taking care of her family (fitting the stereotype of the ever-serving, doting Asian daughter), and being an English teacher seem to make up most of her life. That is her experience as a human. Mine is completely different. Although I love my parents to death, I've been able to successfully separate my life from theirs - something I did at a relatively young age. A healthy thing to do, in my opinion.

At work, in front of my colleagues, it's as though I wear a mask (smile included, always, as it's very important to appear always happy here). But none of my co-workers really know me at all.  Not the way my friends back home do.

I made some life-long friends when I was in Berlin. Much to the thanks of the Couchsurfing community in Berlin (one of the largest CS communities in the world), I connected with many amazing people and had some amazing adventures there. Whether it was mashing around the streets of Berlin on a wobbly bicycle, munching on a doner kebab at Kottbusser Tor in Kreuzberg, or hanging out in Mauer Park on a blanket in the sun on a Sunday with some snacks, a smoke, and some beer, I constantly had my friends around me. That is the difference I have gathered so far. And that is what makes my experience here so different.

As I said in my last post, I am struggling with remaining present here in Seoul. Which is funny, as many years ago I had adapted a personal mantra that fit my life and what I wanted to do with my life. "Be here now" was that mantra. I have been pretty good so far with sticking with it, but I've found that I am now out of practice. I have five more months here in Korea, and I don't want to spend those months lamenting about the past, dreaming about the future, and being unhappy in the present. I know what I need to do - I need to interject more of me into the present - that means getting involved, getting out, meeting more people, seeing the friends I have already made here, and participating in my present life. So far, I am failing. But I know there is still time to pass the test, and hell, it's graded on a curve, anyway.