May 7, 2010

I need a change, stat. My life isn't working for me right now. I feel stagnant, stuck. My good friend's sudden and spontaneous decision to relocate to Sacramento (she'll be moving in with me) from Santa Cruz, where she's lived for the last 6 or so years, has prompted me to make the change that's necessary in my life. Perhaps not prompted, but pushed. My mind has been going back and forth about my current relationship. What do I do? My heart is still in it, but it's slowly crawling away, pulling back. I love him, but it's not working. It hasn't been working. I know he might read this, chances are, he will someday soon, but I've just got to write, got to get it out. I've got to end it.

My friend from Santa Cruz will be moving in with me. She has her choice of 2 - count 'em - 2 very comfortable vintage sofas in the living room. The gurgle of the fishtank pump will lull her to sleep. The morning sun will wake her up, shining through the wall-sized living room window. It will be cozy. It'll be a house full of single girls. Think positive energy, home-cooked dinners, and parallel menstrual cycles. Our place will smell like lavender or vanilla, perhaps with the faint hint of reefer in the air. That's how we'll roll.

So she'll move away from the place she's called home for the past 6 years, probably more like 7 or 8 really, and I'll do what I need to do in my life to free myself of this feeling of non-progression. It's just like, you can try and try and try and try and try and sometimes you have to admit that maybe it just won't happen, the thing you want to happen. And it breaks your heart. But you just can't go on like this.

We're hiring at the restaurant where I work; she's going to drive to Sacramento on Monday, hopefully in time for an interview. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I guess they already are. I think it would be wonderful to have my friend in town.

I still want to return to Germany one day. That's my goal. Save up enough money, pay down the debt, and go teach English. Hell, I'd even be down to go back with the pub crawl, if they'd have me. Until then, I can feel good about being here, in this city, surrounded by these people. Some of my closest friends are my co-workers. It's ok, where I am, right now. There's just that one thing... Which I promised myself to change. So I'm just going to have to do it.