Perspective

I've been having a rough time lately here in Seoul. By lately, I mean really only over the past month or so. I like to take pride in my usual positivity and optimism, and I understand things change, life has its ups and downs. That's ok. But, plainly, this feeling sucks.

I've had plenty of good days, and most days are good. I don't actually feel like I have bad days. I just have an underlying sense of sadness, longing for home - an emptiness. I am quite homesick and I've found myself feeling stressed out lately about not being able to help my parents (who are aging). I have begun to develop a (somewhat) irrational fear that in the remaining three months here in Korea, I could possibly lose one or both of them.

I've never thought of myself as a stressed out person, but I think differently these days. I understand much of what I am feeling is because I am homesick - but much of it is also because I am a foreigner here; a real outsider. Although I was always one to enjoy and welcome my time alone, being forced into it is different. It's very lonely. One example I can think of is riding the subway. Before I left California, I was surprised at  the number of friends who asked "don't you think you will stand out as a almost 6 foot tall, light haired, light eyed woman?" I think I responded by saying either "Yes, perhaps, but that's not going to stop me from going" or "No - people in Seoul are used to foreigners." And it's true - most people in Seoul are used to foreigners. Perhaps in the (fairly recent) past, Koreans may have pointed or stared at me. But I've found it's actually the opposite. It's as though I don't exist.

Hence the loneliness. Hence the feeling of being an outsider.

I try to remember (and most times I do) that I chose to come here. It should be a proud thing - my time here in Korea. For years, I've wanted to come to Korea to teach English. I've mentioned this dream quite a few times on this blog and to many friends and family. I believed it was something I needed to do, an item that begged to be crossed off "the list."

I just never thought it would be so difficult.

But with any struggle comes strength ...  And clarity, and perspective, and gratitude. Nine months into my year contract, although there are times when I may not feel good, I feel strong. Although this isn't the optimal environment, I am grateful. Although I sometimes feel as though I don't exist, I have clarity. And although this year may be one of the most challenging of my life, I have perspective.

I always imagined I'd end up somewhere big and fast and glamorous like Seattle or New York or Berlin. But coming to Seoul and being away from the people and places I miss makes me realize how much I love my home, every one and every thing included. I see all the positives clearly now and I am grateful. I never want to be so far away for so long from my family and friends again, I look forward to returning and finally growing some serious roots.