Street art and Urban Exploration in Seoul

Ah, Seoul. Big city. Sound is ubiquitous; it's inescapable. Honking horns, squealing tires, chatter on the street, shouting from the drunks, sales pitches from the pretty girls hawking makeup or lotion, and old men yelling prices of vegetables at you. I don't want to hear you, but I do.

It is a mix of old and new, and if you wanted, you could drop a lot of money here.

But not me. I've chosen not to conform to the culture here, if conforming means spending a lot of money or needless things. My 10 months of living as an expat in Seoul have taught me many things, and they aren't all positive, no sir. Sadly, it seems that young people in Korea (at least in Seoul, from the view of this foreigner, anyway) are obsessed with looking good, being cute, buying the newest styles, wearing the cutest clothes, eating at the most popular places, and not giving a fuck all about much else.

It was difficult for me to fit in here - I've never enjoyed shopping and I like to think I care more about things other than clothes, shoes, and makeup. I've said no to the culture of excess, of shopping as a national past time, of eating out every night and then drinking after that. Call me a square or call me a cheap ass - I don't care. I'd rather read a book, go for a walk, stroll around a free museum, or explore an abandoned neighborhood.

Yep, you heard that right. Here in Seoul, because of the rush to develop almost the entire city into the modern age of sky scrapers and state-of-the-art, LG-appliance-filled apartments, there are many, many older neighborhoods being torn down. Because you can't eradicate an entire neighborhood overnight, this often leaves large sections of housing open and vacant - the perfect place for a curious (and cheap) expat to explore.

The following photos are from one session of urban exploration I did here in Seoul. It's funny, I guess I'd been living under a rock, but I hadn't ever heard that term, "urban exploration," before I moved here. However, I've been an urban explorer for years and never knew it. I've always been curious about abandoned places - there's something about such a glaring absence that I find fascinating and comforting at the same time. From abandoned amusement parks to military bases (in Berlin) to abandoned neighborhoods and more abandoned amusement parks in Seoul, I've done my fair share. I don't mind getting dirty, climbing over walls or fences, or making a run for it, if necessary. I would choose any of those activities over shopping, any day.

I heard one of these abandoned neighborhoods was being used as some sort of underground art gallery, so in July I went to check it out for myself before the canvases disappeared - forever. Street art plus abandoned place = wicked cool. These were taken sort of near Namdaemun, if I'm not mistaken. And, if I'm not mistaken, there is nothing left now, unless they've started the high rises. Enjoy.

Perspective

I've been having a rough time lately here in Seoul. By lately, I mean really only over the past month or so. I like to take pride in my usual positivity and optimism, and I understand things change, life has its ups and downs. That's ok. But, plainly, this feeling sucks.

I've had plenty of good days, and most days are good. I don't actually feel like I have bad days. I just have an underlying sense of sadness, longing for home - an emptiness. I am quite homesick and I've found myself feeling stressed out lately about not being able to help my parents (who are aging). I have begun to develop a (somewhat) irrational fear that in the remaining three months here in Korea, I could possibly lose one or both of them.

I've never thought of myself as a stressed out person, but I think differently these days. I understand much of what I am feeling is because I am homesick - but much of it is also because I am a foreigner here; a real outsider. Although I was always one to enjoy and welcome my time alone, being forced into it is different. It's very lonely. One example I can think of is riding the subway. Before I left California, I was surprised at  the number of friends who asked "don't you think you will stand out as a almost 6 foot tall, light haired, light eyed woman?" I think I responded by saying either "Yes, perhaps, but that's not going to stop me from going" or "No - people in Seoul are used to foreigners." And it's true - most people in Seoul are used to foreigners. Perhaps in the (fairly recent) past, Koreans may have pointed or stared at me. But I've found it's actually the opposite. It's as though I don't exist.

Hence the loneliness. Hence the feeling of being an outsider.

I try to remember (and most times I do) that I chose to come here. It should be a proud thing - my time here in Korea. For years, I've wanted to come to Korea to teach English. I've mentioned this dream quite a few times on this blog and to many friends and family. I believed it was something I needed to do, an item that begged to be crossed off "the list."

I just never thought it would be so difficult.

But with any struggle comes strength ...  And clarity, and perspective, and gratitude. Nine months into my year contract, although there are times when I may not feel good, I feel strong. Although this isn't the optimal environment, I am grateful. Although I sometimes feel as though I don't exist, I have clarity. And although this year may be one of the most challenging of my life, I have perspective.

I always imagined I'd end up somewhere big and fast and glamorous like Seattle or New York or Berlin. But coming to Seoul and being away from the people and places I miss makes me realize how much I love my home, every one and every thing included. I see all the positives clearly now and I am grateful. I never want to be so far away for so long from my family and friends again, I look forward to returning and finally growing some serious roots.

I've got to admit, it's getting better....

Things are looking up. I had written a post on feeling homesick a few months ago, and for a while now, I've been meaning to write an update. As far as the homesickness goes, things are getting better. In fact, I don't feel even the slightest twinge at the moment. Of course, I miss people - lots of people - but I wouldn't say I feel homesick.

I've been sick for the last couple of weeks (but feeling much better now), and my computer was away, getting fixed, or so I thought. (Long story, I'll spare the details). So, what did I do? How, oh how, did I fill the void in my life that was the absence of my laptop?! Well, I read a lot of books. Without the temptation or distraction of a machine (aka the internet), I found myself nesting quite comfortably in my tiny, old, paper-thin-walled apartment, kickin' it by myself, and reading. Oh, I listened to my hand-held battery-operated radio too. I also wrote - I mean really wrote - with a pen and paper (gasp!) - something I haven't done in god knows how long. It was nice.

Looking to get more involved here in Seoul (and in the present moment of my life,) I responded to a job ad I found online. It was placed by a start-up website much like Yelp (where people can write reviews on restaurants, places, services, etc). They were looking for review writers. I got the job. So I've been writing reviews for this website based in Seoul. I don't get paid much (about ten bucks an article) but I get the opportunity to go to some places I wouldn't normally, get some practice writing, and, most importantly, get published on the web. You can see some of my reviews (click on the 'culture' section) here: http://seoulreviewer.com/ So far, I've reviewed Gyeongbokgung Palace (the biggest royal palace in Seoul), Deoksugung palace (a not-so-big royal palace in Seoul), Insadong (a traditionally and super cute shopping/eating/gallery area in Seoul), the War Memorial of Korea, and, my favorite, the Seodaemun Prison History Hall. 5 reviews in 3 weeks: not bad at all, I say.

In my attempt to push my writing to the next level (meaning, getting paid to do it), this is a very good step. I feel quite lucky and very fortunate to have found this opportunity. It's good progress and I feel very good about moving forward. I mean, who doesn't enjoy progress? There's much, MUCH more I must do, however, if I want to advance to the point where I'm earning a living by writing. But, like so much else, accomplishing something is simply making up your mind to do it and then taking the necessary steps forward to attain it. So that's what I'm trying to do with the writing.

Professional progress is one thing, personal progress is another. And, because I am who I am, I like making both types. I also like and need to reflect on the progress I've made, or conversely in some instances, note my lack of progress. This reflection (in my opinion) is good for everyone to do! Personally, it helps me in my overall growth as a human being. It's pretty basic knowledge, but looking back and thinking about where I was, what I went through, and where I am now, has helped me see the things I have accomplished. And who doesn't enjoy a nice sense of accomplishment?

So, this year, I've realized something very important about myself. I always knew how good  it felt to complete a goal or check off an "item on the list," so to speak. But I guess it didn't actually dawn on me what this really means. In other words, I knew how it felt to accomplish something, but never thought about why it felt good. I never gave the phenomena a name. Again, pretty basic knowledge here, but, put simply, I feel good when I set a goal and complete it. I know there are many, many people who operate this way. They are motivated and they are driven to complete tasks. Be it a 10k run, building a gazebo in the backyard, or going back to school, accomplishment feels good. And so, my reflection and mantra for today and for this year in Korea is simple: to remember how good it feels to set a goal for yourself and then to do it.

Moderat

Blast from the Past

(Note - I found a comment from a reader who told me she wanted to comment on this post, but I had  taken it down. So I went back and found it and read it and reposted it.  It is two years old. But it's a nice look back.)

So I'm back, mainly because I said I'd come back. I said the writing was pouring out of me. Well, it really felt like it was - and then I got kinda caught up. You know who you are. ;)

You know how that goes: You meet someone, there's this instant amazing attraction, a connection, that forms out of thin air... and then you both turn into opposite magnets. And you *sschulurrp* together and are now one entity. You know that's how it goes.

So, two months later, here we are, I'm looking back, and it's been great so far. Two, stupidly amazing months. I fell in love. Pause... And I just blogged about it.

Back to the writing thing, though. I'm trying to keep pushing it, keep it consistent. But the tricky thing about being a consistent writer/blogger is in order to have material to write about, one must be inspired. And I'm not by ANY means trying to say that my love isn't inspiring, (because he is) and that my love doesn't inspire me, (because he does) but to be engulfed in pretty constant bliss for prolonged amount of times doesn't really amount to inspiration for blogging about. You dig?

Beyond the suddenly formed relationship is continued talks of the recurring desire to teach abroad, and the newfound emotion of unsettledness as I struggle with the question "what now?" I thought of moving to San Francisco, I thought of moving to Las Angeles, I thought of moving to Thailand. I thought of moving to Taiwan. And I had trouble spelling all of them along the way! :P

But all in all, everything is alright. Happy and healthy. Roadtrip to beautiful Ukiah coming up in a couple of days for a wedding - there's something to blog about right there - and the following week: Burning Man. For the first time ever. With my inspiration. Holy shit, I guess it's time to hold on.

Living the Expat Dream, or, Fighting that Homesick Feeling

Being an expat is hard. Man, is it hard. There once was a time when I thought I wanted to stay away from my home forever, living the expat life, because it was so... different from living at home. Being an expat was glamorous, in a way. In the 'Poor but Sexy' kind of way. Even the word EXPAT.... it just sounds frickin' cool. I mean, what isn't awesome about travelling around? Living in one country for a 6 months or a year, meeting new people, experiencing the culture, learning some history, getting a new perspective on the world, and then moving on to the next spot? Expanding horizons and all that jazz. It sounds like a golden life! But there's just one problem - (ok, maybe there are a few - money, for one) - a problem I seem to have forgotten about. It's the not returning home part that pushes that thorn farther up into my side, makes me feel like I'm suffocating sometimes. What the f*#% was I thinking!?!? I obviously forgot how it felt to be away. Because I'm feeling it now - I'm feeling it hard. And it doesn't feel good.

And I know why it's different here, in Seoul - different from Berlin, I mean. It all boils down, once again, to human connection. To put it bluntly, I have a lack of human connection here in Seoul. I spend 8 hours a day, five days a week, in a place where maybe five percent of the people here are capable or willing to talk to me. Either they don't speak English, they don't speak English well, or they speak some English but are too shy/afraid/embarrassed to speak to me.

In my office, there are six of us. Out of that six, two are capable of having a conversation in English. Of those two, only one really talks to me. She is one of my co-teachers. The other four in the office will say a friendly "hello" and "goodbye" (sometimes in English, sometimes in Korean), once a day. Although my co-teacher is a very sweet woman, she and I couldn't be more different from each other.

I am lucky - she is much more progressive (so I've gathered) from other Korean women her age; more  open-minded, really. But there are many differences between us. She is almost 40 and still lives at home. Taking care of her family (fitting the stereotype of the ever-serving, doting Asian daughter), and being an English teacher seem to make up most of her life. That is her experience as a human. Mine is completely different. Although I love my parents to death, I've been able to successfully separate my life from theirs - something I did at a relatively young age. A healthy thing to do, in my opinion.

At work, in front of my colleagues, it's as though I wear a mask (smile included, always, as it's very important to appear always happy here). But none of my co-workers really know me at all.  Not the way my friends back home do.

I made some life-long friends when I was in Berlin. Much to the thanks of the Couchsurfing community in Berlin (one of the largest CS communities in the world), I connected with many amazing people and had some amazing adventures there. Whether it was mashing around the streets of Berlin on a wobbly bicycle, munching on a doner kebab at Kottbusser Tor in Kreuzberg, or hanging out in Mauer Park on a blanket in the sun on a Sunday with some snacks, a smoke, and some beer, I constantly had my friends around me. That is the difference I have gathered so far. And that is what makes my experience here so different.

As I said in my last post, I am struggling with remaining present here in Seoul. Which is funny, as many years ago I had adapted a personal mantra that fit my life and what I wanted to do with my life. "Be here now" was that mantra. I have been pretty good so far with sticking with it, but I've found that I am now out of practice. I have five more months here in Korea, and I don't want to spend those months lamenting about the past, dreaming about the future, and being unhappy in the present. I know what I need to do - I need to interject more of me into the present - that means getting involved, getting out, meeting more people, seeing the friends I have already made here, and participating in my present life. So far, I am failing. But I know there is still time to pass the test, and hell, it's graded on a curve, anyway.

Friday September 6th 2013 3:05 pm

Note - I do a lot of writing. It's just not on my blog. My writing is usually in the form of emails to friends. After I got finished writing one to a friend this afternoon, I figured I should just start posting some  of my letters here instead of avoiding this blog completely. That way, at least then you can read about what I've been up to and how I've been, and when I come back to revisit my blog later down the road, I, too, can be reminded of my time here.

As you will see from the email at the bottom of this entry, I am still in Seoul - it's been a little over 6 months since I arrived. I think I've officially reached a bit of a rut. You will see in my letter below that everything is fine, but.... One of the conclusions I've come to, one of the things I tell people about Seoul, if I'm really trying to sum it up in a nutshell, is this: Seoul is not Berlin. It's not California either. I miss both places and the friends I made in those places tremendously.

I did start that other blog, Jessicaisinkorea.wordpress.com , but that never really went very far. Truth be told, I'm so fond of THIS blog, you know? THIS blog is the one I started... man... 7 years ago...  I think I may just continue writing on THIS blog, even though I'm in Seoul and not in Berlin, and even though I don't do nearly as much cool shit here as I did in Berlin, I'm still here, and I should still try to record it.

So, dear readers, I present my Letter to Jason.

So to answer one of your original questions (and thank you for asking ) my parents are still doing well. Still getting on and still getting older. My father's absentmindedness is becoming worse. Since I'm not living with them and only talk to them once a week I'm not there to witness the extent but I have a feeling it may be getting a lil bad. I'm not sure there's much I can do to help and therefore I try not to feel guilty for not being around. But I do look forward to returning home in early March to see them and spend some quality time with them before I leave again. My mom and I are talking about taking a road trip to Minnesota when I come home. That is where her family is from. At this point I am skeptical as to the level of seriousness of this plan. What I mean is, I am serious about it, I'm not sure if my mom is though. I honestly doubt it will happen although I think it'd be great if it did.

As far as another one of your questions - you asked if I was enjoying it here and how I was doing. I am ... um... trying to make the most of it here. I do enjoy it and I'm glad I came and tried teaching. I do enjoy teaching and the job is by far the EASIEST job I have ever had, especially for the money I am making. Sometimes I feel it's quite ridiculous. One of my co-workers is napping at her desk right now, if that gives you an indication of the work style here. Naps are very common and usually in the afternoon, from 1-4:20, I have nothing to do. I don't nap but I make sure my lessons are planned and then end up on the internet.

I thought Seoul would be cooler to be honest. I thought I might find a more underground scene here. Maybe it's because I haven't really networked enough but maybe because an underground doesn't exist. I know a lot of people love Seoul, but it really is a drinker's city. Although I love my IPAs, I'm really not a big drinker. Especially a drinker of watery, weak Korean beer. Or soju. Not into that either. This year could end up just being a nice, relaxing year. So far it seems I haven't managed to stay very present as I spend a lot of time thinking about next year.

I will just say that I will be very very happy to return home when I do, for a number of reasons.

My friend Annika from Finland and I are planning on being back in Berlin next spring/summer. I guess it's been decided, as long as my parents give me the blessing to go, and as long as it feels right. And then back home for Burning Man, where, I, as you, want to do more to contribute. That's going to take some thought... and probably some creative stimuli from Berlin.

The future is still bright and I'm god damn thankful to have the amazing options that I do.

miss ya, really hope to see you next year.

Moving blogs -- again

Hello everyone. I've been absolutely horrible at writing lately, I am so sorry. :( I created a new blog as you can see in the previous post, but I decided to move from blogger to wordpress as I didn''t want my Berlin blog and my Korea blog to be associated. My time in Berlin was so special and different (and risque at times) -- much unlike my time will be in Korea. Well, my time in Korea WILL be special, I'm sure, but I guess I just don't want anyone in Korea to find out what I did in Berlin. What I'm trying to say is I'm starting over fresh in Korea and just didn't want the two blogs connected. So I would LOVE it if you followed me at http://jessicainkorea.wordpress.com/ I promise to write more. :) Thanks for reading.