Blast from the Past

(Note - I found a comment from a reader who told me she wanted to comment on this post, but I had  taken it down. So I went back and found it and read it and reposted it.  It is two years old. But it's a nice look back.)

So I'm back, mainly because I said I'd come back. I said the writing was pouring out of me. Well, it really felt like it was - and then I got kinda caught up. You know who you are. ;)

You know how that goes: You meet someone, there's this instant amazing attraction, a connection, that forms out of thin air... and then you both turn into opposite magnets. And you *sschulurrp* together and are now one entity. You know that's how it goes.

So, two months later, here we are, I'm looking back, and it's been great so far. Two, stupidly amazing months. I fell in love. Pause... And I just blogged about it.

Back to the writing thing, though. I'm trying to keep pushing it, keep it consistent. But the tricky thing about being a consistent writer/blogger is in order to have material to write about, one must be inspired. And I'm not by ANY means trying to say that my love isn't inspiring, (because he is) and that my love doesn't inspire me, (because he does) but to be engulfed in pretty constant bliss for prolonged amount of times doesn't really amount to inspiration for blogging about. You dig?

Beyond the suddenly formed relationship is continued talks of the recurring desire to teach abroad, and the newfound emotion of unsettledness as I struggle with the question "what now?" I thought of moving to San Francisco, I thought of moving to Las Angeles, I thought of moving to Thailand. I thought of moving to Taiwan. And I had trouble spelling all of them along the way! :P

But all in all, everything is alright. Happy and healthy. Roadtrip to beautiful Ukiah coming up in a couple of days for a wedding - there's something to blog about right there - and the following week: Burning Man. For the first time ever. With my inspiration. Holy shit, I guess it's time to hold on.

Living the Expat Dream, or, Fighting that Homesick Feeling

Being an expat is hard. Man, is it hard. There once was a time when I thought I wanted to stay away from my home forever, living the expat life, because it was so... different from living at home. Being an expat was glamorous, in a way. In the 'Poor but Sexy' kind of way. Even the word EXPAT.... it just sounds frickin' cool. I mean, what isn't awesome about travelling around? Living in one country for a 6 months or a year, meeting new people, experiencing the culture, learning some history, getting a new perspective on the world, and then moving on to the next spot? Expanding horizons and all that jazz. It sounds like a golden life! But there's just one problem - (ok, maybe there are a few - money, for one) - a problem I seem to have forgotten about. It's the not returning home part that pushes that thorn farther up into my side, makes me feel like I'm suffocating sometimes. What the f*#% was I thinking!?!? I obviously forgot how it felt to be away. Because I'm feeling it now - I'm feeling it hard. And it doesn't feel good.

And I know why it's different here, in Seoul - different from Berlin, I mean. It all boils down, once again, to human connection. To put it bluntly, I have a lack of human connection here in Seoul. I spend 8 hours a day, five days a week, in a place where maybe five percent of the people here are capable or willing to talk to me. Either they don't speak English, they don't speak English well, or they speak some English but are too shy/afraid/embarrassed to speak to me.

In my office, there are six of us. Out of that six, two are capable of having a conversation in English. Of those two, only one really talks to me. She is one of my co-teachers. The other four in the office will say a friendly "hello" and "goodbye" (sometimes in English, sometimes in Korean), once a day. Although my co-teacher is a very sweet woman, she and I couldn't be more different from each other.

I am lucky - she is much more progressive (so I've gathered) from other Korean women her age; more  open-minded, really. But there are many differences between us. She is almost 40 and still lives at home. Taking care of her family (fitting the stereotype of the ever-serving, doting Asian daughter), and being an English teacher seem to make up most of her life. That is her experience as a human. Mine is completely different. Although I love my parents to death, I've been able to successfully separate my life from theirs - something I did at a relatively young age. A healthy thing to do, in my opinion.

At work, in front of my colleagues, it's as though I wear a mask (smile included, always, as it's very important to appear always happy here). But none of my co-workers really know me at all.  Not the way my friends back home do.

I made some life-long friends when I was in Berlin. Much to the thanks of the Couchsurfing community in Berlin (one of the largest CS communities in the world), I connected with many amazing people and had some amazing adventures there. Whether it was mashing around the streets of Berlin on a wobbly bicycle, munching on a doner kebab at Kottbusser Tor in Kreuzberg, or hanging out in Mauer Park on a blanket in the sun on a Sunday with some snacks, a smoke, and some beer, I constantly had my friends around me. That is the difference I have gathered so far. And that is what makes my experience here so different.

As I said in my last post, I am struggling with remaining present here in Seoul. Which is funny, as many years ago I had adapted a personal mantra that fit my life and what I wanted to do with my life. "Be here now" was that mantra. I have been pretty good so far with sticking with it, but I've found that I am now out of practice. I have five more months here in Korea, and I don't want to spend those months lamenting about the past, dreaming about the future, and being unhappy in the present. I know what I need to do - I need to interject more of me into the present - that means getting involved, getting out, meeting more people, seeing the friends I have already made here, and participating in my present life. So far, I am failing. But I know there is still time to pass the test, and hell, it's graded on a curve, anyway.

Friday September 6th 2013 3:05 pm

Note - I do a lot of writing. It's just not on my blog. My writing is usually in the form of emails to friends. After I got finished writing one to a friend this afternoon, I figured I should just start posting some  of my letters here instead of avoiding this blog completely. That way, at least then you can read about what I've been up to and how I've been, and when I come back to revisit my blog later down the road, I, too, can be reminded of my time here.

As you will see from the email at the bottom of this entry, I am still in Seoul - it's been a little over 6 months since I arrived. I think I've officially reached a bit of a rut. You will see in my letter below that everything is fine, but.... One of the conclusions I've come to, one of the things I tell people about Seoul, if I'm really trying to sum it up in a nutshell, is this: Seoul is not Berlin. It's not California either. I miss both places and the friends I made in those places tremendously.

I did start that other blog, Jessicaisinkorea.wordpress.com , but that never really went very far. Truth be told, I'm so fond of THIS blog, you know? THIS blog is the one I started... man... 7 years ago...  I think I may just continue writing on THIS blog, even though I'm in Seoul and not in Berlin, and even though I don't do nearly as much cool shit here as I did in Berlin, I'm still here, and I should still try to record it.

So, dear readers, I present my Letter to Jason.

So to answer one of your original questions (and thank you for asking ) my parents are still doing well. Still getting on and still getting older. My father's absentmindedness is becoming worse. Since I'm not living with them and only talk to them once a week I'm not there to witness the extent but I have a feeling it may be getting a lil bad. I'm not sure there's much I can do to help and therefore I try not to feel guilty for not being around. But I do look forward to returning home in early March to see them and spend some quality time with them before I leave again. My mom and I are talking about taking a road trip to Minnesota when I come home. That is where her family is from. At this point I am skeptical as to the level of seriousness of this plan. What I mean is, I am serious about it, I'm not sure if my mom is though. I honestly doubt it will happen although I think it'd be great if it did.

As far as another one of your questions - you asked if I was enjoying it here and how I was doing. I am ... um... trying to make the most of it here. I do enjoy it and I'm glad I came and tried teaching. I do enjoy teaching and the job is by far the EASIEST job I have ever had, especially for the money I am making. Sometimes I feel it's quite ridiculous. One of my co-workers is napping at her desk right now, if that gives you an indication of the work style here. Naps are very common and usually in the afternoon, from 1-4:20, I have nothing to do. I don't nap but I make sure my lessons are planned and then end up on the internet.

I thought Seoul would be cooler to be honest. I thought I might find a more underground scene here. Maybe it's because I haven't really networked enough but maybe because an underground doesn't exist. I know a lot of people love Seoul, but it really is a drinker's city. Although I love my IPAs, I'm really not a big drinker. Especially a drinker of watery, weak Korean beer. Or soju. Not into that either. This year could end up just being a nice, relaxing year. So far it seems I haven't managed to stay very present as I spend a lot of time thinking about next year.

I will just say that I will be very very happy to return home when I do, for a number of reasons.

My friend Annika from Finland and I are planning on being back in Berlin next spring/summer. I guess it's been decided, as long as my parents give me the blessing to go, and as long as it feels right. And then back home for Burning Man, where, I, as you, want to do more to contribute. That's going to take some thought... and probably some creative stimuli from Berlin.

The future is still bright and I'm god damn thankful to have the amazing options that I do.

miss ya, really hope to see you next year.