May 7, 2010

I need a change, stat. My life isn't working for me right now. I feel stagnant, stuck. My good friend's sudden and spontaneous decision to relocate to Sacramento (she'll be moving in with me) from Santa Cruz, where she's lived for the last 6 or so years, has prompted me to make the change that's necessary in my life. Perhaps not prompted, but pushed. My mind has been going back and forth about my current relationship. What do I do? My heart is still in it, but it's slowly crawling away, pulling back. I love him, but it's not working. It hasn't been working. I know he might read this, chances are, he will someday soon, but I've just got to write, got to get it out. I've got to end it.

My friend from Santa Cruz will be moving in with me. She has her choice of 2 - count 'em - 2 very comfortable vintage sofas in the living room. The gurgle of the fishtank pump will lull her to sleep. The morning sun will wake her up, shining through the wall-sized living room window. It will be cozy. It'll be a house full of single girls. Think positive energy, home-cooked dinners, and parallel menstrual cycles. Our place will smell like lavender or vanilla, perhaps with the faint hint of reefer in the air. That's how we'll roll.

So she'll move away from the place she's called home for the past 6 years, probably more like 7 or 8 really, and I'll do what I need to do in my life to free myself of this feeling of non-progression. It's just like, you can try and try and try and try and try and sometimes you have to admit that maybe it just won't happen, the thing you want to happen. And it breaks your heart. But you just can't go on like this.

We're hiring at the restaurant where I work; she's going to drive to Sacramento on Monday, hopefully in time for an interview. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I guess they already are. I think it would be wonderful to have my friend in town.

I still want to return to Germany one day. That's my goal. Save up enough money, pay down the debt, and go teach English. Hell, I'd even be down to go back with the pub crawl, if they'd have me. Until then, I can feel good about being here, in this city, surrounded by these people. Some of my closest friends are my co-workers. It's ok, where I am, right now. There's just that one thing... Which I promised myself to change. So I'm just going to have to do it.

Fried Chicken and Macaroni & Cheese

Sounds so gosh darn good to me right now. People in Sacramento, have you ever been to Sandra Dee's? I used to live right by it, in Alkali Flats, a lower-income (ok, yes, slightly worn out and tore back) area of Sacramento. Is it even considered midtown? I guess now. I was at 13th and D, Sandra Dee's is at

Sometimes when I'm bored...

I visit my blog and read about the things I was thinking about in days past. Sometimes I hit the "next blog" button at the top of the screen; I usually don't find anything worth reading. Today, though, as I was revisiting my (admittedly neglected) blog, I hit that button and found this: http://pillowtalkisextra.blogspot.com/

It's pretty cool, written by a young 20-something gal in New York City. Hers is a much more personal blog, and many entries deal with men and the problems that come with them, but I like her writing. It's snappy. Kinda like how I think about my own. There's no photo associated with the blog, but given the subject matter, I can understand why she would value her anonymity.

So I read other people's blogs, but I don't keep up with my own. In past entries, I spoke so much of projects, this website that I was going to build, the idea that I could create an awesome space for people to communicate about conscious travel. Sadly, It's still not formed into anything. It makes me feel like I've failed myself. It reminds me of what I need to be doing right now, what I should have been doing for a while. I don't like this feeling of guilt, self guilt. I haven't really let anyone down except for myself. So I don't know if that's better or worse than letting down another person.

I should be devoting more time to building websites, finishing projects, and helping my family. My father has all this radio equipment gathering dust in the garage on the property they own. Some of it's pretty valuable too, or at least could get a pretty price in an online auction. These are the things I need to do.

Usually writing helps me. It helps my thought process gather in one place, from a jumbled together pile in my brain to a linear, succinct story on a page. In note form. Do this, remember that, be grateful for this, and so on. The problem is, unlike Cleopatra Jones, the author (pseudonym, I can only assume) of the aforementioned pillow talk blog, I can't share with you what's really on my mind. It's relationship stuff. I guess that's all I can say.

I have figured out one thing, though, and I would like to share it. If you love something, let it go. Be gentle and don't hold on too tightly.

Happy Valentine's Day

Hope ya'll got some. Enjoy, from my friend Patryk in Berlin.

Jury Duty

I got a letter in the mail from the city the other day calling me for jury duty. I'm supposed to report the the Sacramento Superior Court on Monday, March 15. Perhaps if I were older and retired with nothing better to do than reading crime mysteries, golfing on the weekend or knitting, I'd be into it. It might be interesting, a witness to our legal system at (dis)work.

Unfortunately, I need to keep working to pay the bills.

Crap. I need to get out of Jury Duty!

I was going to leave a comment on the post below, one in response to those who commented on my blog, so I started writing. But that comment turned into an essay, so I've decide I would just post it, anyway, as a new blog. It's been forever since I've written anything, After thinking about it, I think I'll be heading back to Berlin before I end up in Asia.

However, that doesn't mean that I'll never go; on the contrary, one item on my top ten list of things to do before I die: teach English in Asia. Someplace that will just blow your mind. Some town tucked away in lush green hills or a gaping, writhing, technologically pregnant super city with concrete rectangles that scrape the sky.

It'll be different from what we're used to in Western culture, and you know what they say friends, different is good. Navigating your new Asian territory that may make you burst out laughing even though you're alone, or leave you clutching your hanky in tears of frustration. Either way, culture shock only makes you smarter. Nothing is familiar, you have little to no advantage to knowing much about the city.