love showcase showdown

So, unless you're a first time customer, you may have noticed I've updated my blog. I also posted the letter below. I need some changes, I need to get back to being me, I need to gather the pieces of myself that I chipped or shaved or cut off and gave away; I need to gather them back one by one or perhaps two by one and put them in my pockets, gently, where they can nap and huddle in the comfort and warmth and goodness that is me, alone.

For the past month I've felt nauseas, it's been real, it's consumed me. I have been stressed and although I almost hate to admit it here (is it the being honest or the admitting weakness that is difficult for me?) but it's been a bit rough. A close co-worker kept telling me I wasn't myself. She was right. I'm glad to have co- workers like this.

So he's up in Mendacino for two ( or was it three?) weeks to clear underbrush with a chainsaw or fight fires with hoses or some heroic showing, and already I'll have to break his heart and tell him I can't talk to him ever again, or at least we just can't be friends right now. And the bummer part about it is I know it will break his heart; he won't realize this is not the end of the world and there will be others and perhaps both of us have some work to do before entering into the next love showcase showdown.

And of course, in order to sleep, to not be stressed, I didn't call him like he asked; I didn't even text him. I just turned my phone off. And that's how it's going to have to be. Until I can tell him, tomorrow, when it's day time, when I'm not tired and he's not drunk, that I just need a break. Because I do. Need a break.

I also need someone, somewhere, eventually, who will treat me right.